Are there any reasons I should decline a hopeful adoptive family?

Are there any reasons I should decline a hopeful adoptive family?

Best Answers

  • Absolutely. You have every right to decline a hopeful adoptive family if you feel that they are not a good fit for your child. Though you are placing your child for adoption, it is completely normal if you have dreams and hopes for them. You may envision them being raised a certain way, with a certain type of family, and a certain upbringing. While there will be much you cannot control, you do have a say over the type of family chosen for your child. 

    Typically, when you seek out prospective adoptive parents either through an agency on your own, you can view profiles of prospective parents. These profiles include information that can be everything from pictures, biographies, religious preferences, familial information etc. This should give you more information on each family. You may even have the opportunity to speak with these families and interview them depending on your adoption preferences. You can also explore how each feels about open or closed adoption, again, depending on your preferences. 

    If you do not feel comfortable with a family, it is absolutely your right to turn them down. You should never feel forced or coerced into choosing a family for your child. You should feel comfortable throughout the whole process. If you do not, that may indicate a need to find a different family and or agency if you feel pressured. All adoptions should be ethical above everything else. 
  • Answer ✓
         Yes- there are so many reasons why you might need to turn a hopeful adoptive couple down. It's hard- when I was pregnant and going through profiles, I saw so many sweet families who deserved to have kids. But in the end, I could only choose one of them. And the couple I chose was the perfect one for my birth daughter, and for me. 
         There are lots of smaller reasons that you might not choose a family- things like an inconvenient distance away from you or that you have different tastes in music. These are fine reasons to turn someone down- don't say yes to anyone you're not 100% sure about. These people might be great, just not for you. But there are some things you should look for in a hopeful family that are good reasons to turn them down, no matter who they are. 
         The first one is honesty. Many hopeful adoptive couples promise a very open adoption to the expectant mother without having the intention of following through. Most of them don't do it intentionally, but sometimes they say things they don't really mean because they want a baby so badly. If a couple gives you any reason to doubt their promises, run in the other direction. A good way to test this (and a good way to ensure good communication in general) is to discuss EXACTLY how much contact both parties will have after the baby is born. If they promise x amount of visits a year and are willing to plan out the logistics of the first few with you, chances are they're likely to follow through. But if they are intentionally vague- saying "We'll figure it out later" or "We'll keep it open" without specific promises of what you can expect, it's fairly unlikely that the adoption will stay open long term. 
         More than just on openness, a family should be honest about who they are. I went through a lot of profiles that just seemed a little fake. Of course hopeful families put their best foot forward, and that's fine. But there is a fine line between being your best self and trying to be someone you're not. Follow your gut on this. 
         Another reason you should turn down a hopeful adoptive couple is if they are not actively seeking to educate themselves about adoption. A good adoptive parent will understand the impact that being adopted will have on the child, and what they need to do to help. For example, if they don't plan on telling the child that they are adopted, they clearly are not educated about adoption and are not ready to become adoptive parents. A child deserves to know where they come from, and the fact that they are adopted should not be hidden or treated with shame. A child will not feel proud of their identity if their parents hide the truth from them like a dirty secret. Another tell-tale sign of uneducated hopeful adoptive parents are using improper terminology- saying words like 'give up' instead of 'placed'. People who are not diligently seeking to learn about the adoption community and adoptive parenting are not a good fit for any expectant mother. 
         Here is an article I wrote a little while ago that goes into further detail about some of the reasons I said no, and you might consider saying no, to a hopeful adoptive family. In the end, you need to go with what you think is right and not worry about what anyone else says or thinks. It might be hard to turn someone down, but remember that you don't owe anyone anything. Except your baby- you owe them every effort to find the perfect family for them, even if that means stepping on some toes. 

    https://adoption.com/7-reasons-i-said-no-to-a-hopeful-adoptive-family
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