What if my boyfriend wants to parent, but I don't?

I am pregnant and my boyfriends wants to parent but I don't.

Best Answer

  • edited October 22 Answer ✓
          That's a really tricky situation, one that I was once in. There is no easy answer for this, it's very specific to your situation. If at all possible, I would strongly urge you to come to an agreement on this. Communication is absolutely key. There are some key questions you both should consider.
         The first is safety. It depends on the situation of course, but sometimes the relationship between the birth mother and father isn't safe. If there is any kind of domestic violence or other abuse going on, it might be best for you to make this decision on your own to protect your child. 
         Assuming that this relationship is safe and amicable, the second thing to consider is simple- the reasoning behind your differing opinions. Both of you should make honest pro-con lists about both of the options. Then come together and discuss the reasons. Remember that these reasons should always be focused around the well being of the child. 
          Placing a child is hard, and it hurts. If you do decide to place, here is an article that might help you understand what he is feeling. 
         Sometimes there is no way of agreeing on the best thing to do. In this case, things can get ugly. Overriding his opinions should be the last resort- it is not fair to deny him the right to raise his child (assuming again that he is in a place where he could parent). It can also cause a lot of issues with getting the adoption finalized. Legally, it gets really ugly, and you'd have to get his parental rights terminated in court. Again, if it's at all possible, try not to do this.
          Here are some articles about his rights that you should both be aware of. Like the article says, specifics change from state to state, but they do exist. http://adoption.com/considering-domestic-adoption-what-you-need-to-know-about-birth-father-rights

    http://adoption.com/birth-fathers-asserting-your-legal-rights/

Answers

  • edited October 22
    This can be really hard. If your boyfriend has the support to parent and it is not an unsafe situation, he absolutely has the right and should be allowed to parent the child. This would likely be hard on you as it was not the plan you had in mind and could essentially put you a in a situation where you feel "obligated" to parent. This is one of those situations that places you between a rock and a hard place. 

    One place to begin is to try to keep the discussion on this civil. Understand and express to your boyfriend that you understand he has the right to parent will open the doors for civil conversation and will allow you to be more likely to have a conversation about it. Strong arming him into choosing adoption would not be wise just as it would not be wise for him to try to strong arm you into parenting. 

    If he is willing, it would be great for you both to meet with an adoption agency to see what the options would be. Open adoption is growing increasingly popular and be a great option in this situation. This visit would also help dispel any myths you might both have about adoption. 

    In the end, if he chooses to parent and has the tools to do so, it may be hard, but it is vital to respect that. Seek out resources that might be available if you choose to parent as well. You can check up on the adoption process and laws in your state here. 
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