How can I overcome the guilt of not being able to carry a child?

edited March 10 in New to Adopting
A lot of women who have experienced multiple miscarriages feel overwhelming guilt and even shame - a sense of having failed their babies, failed their husbands, failed themselves, and even let down their parents and other family members. What can they do to move past these feelings and recognize on a deep level that it's not their fault?

Best Answer

  • edited March 12 Answer ✓
    That is such a wonderful question.

    First off, before everything else, it really is not your fault.

    You haven't failed. You haven't let down your family members, your friends, your spouse. You haven't failed your babies.

    I know that saying these things may not make you feel any better, but you shouldn't feel guilty for not being able to carry your own biological children. While the experience of being able to be pregnant is a beautiful one, not being able to carry doesn't make you less of a person or less of a mother.

    You have to remember the big picture. Remember who you are, what you're trying to do. Allow yourself to have a grieving time, but don't let it overcome you and overtake you. Those feelings, scars, of grief will not simply go away, but they can be healed. Move past those feelings of guilt and shame and recognize that you are called to do something else that is just as great, honorable, and wonderful.

    If you choose to, you are called to adopt.

    Adoption is an incredible, wonderful way for families to be formed. It is the path that families can find each other.

    In order to move past those feelings of guilt and shame, you need to find and do the things that heal you—personally. Whether that is starting the adoption process, serving those around you, or learning to play the guitar, do those things. Do the things that make you happy, that will heal you. Find purpose and meaning in your life. Set goals individually and with your spouse that will both help you to become who you want to become.

    Doing those things, finding out who you are, will help you move past the hurt of not being able to carry a child.
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