How can I overcome the guilt of not being able to carry a child?

edited March 10 in New to Adopting
A lot of women who have experienced multiple miscarriages feel overwhelming guilt and even shame - a sense of having failed their babies, failed their husbands, failed themselves, and even let down their parents and other family members. What can they do to move past these feelings and recognize on a deep level that it's not their fault?

Best Answer

  • edited March 12 Answer ✓
    That is such a wonderful question.

    First off, before everything else, it really is not your fault.

    You haven't failed. You haven't let down your family members, your friends, your spouse. You haven't failed your babies.

    I know that saying these things may not make you feel any better, but you shouldn't feel guilty for not being able to carry your own biological children. While the experience of being able to be pregnant is a beautiful one, not being able to carry doesn't make you less of a person or less of a mother.

    You have to remember the big picture. Remember who you are, what you're trying to do. Allow yourself to have a grieving time, but don't let it overcome you and overtake you. Those feelings, scars, of grief will not simply go away, but they can be healed. Move past those feelings of guilt and shame and recognize that you are called to do something else that is just as great, honorable, and wonderful.

    If you choose to, you are called to adopt.

    Adoption is an incredible, wonderful way for families to be formed. It is the path that families can find each other.

    In order to move past those feelings of guilt and shame, you need to find and do the things that heal you—personally. Whether that is starting the adoption process, serving those around you, or learning to play the guitar, do those things. Do the things that make you happy, that will heal you. Find purpose and meaning in your life. Set goals individually and with your spouse that will both help you to become who you want to become.

    Doing those things, finding out who you are, will help you move past the hurt of not being able to carry a child.

Answers

  • First of all, know you are not alone. If you haven’t gotten the strength to talk to anybody about this guilt, you at least have this community of people to turn to. But I would bet you that if you started to ask around you would be shocked at the number of women walking around with this same quilt.

    When it comes to infertility, miscarriages, etc., there is no such thing as failure. The processes may have failed in the way you wanted them to succeed but you most certainly did not fail anyone. The situation you have found yourself in is no one’s fault. It is not your fault. It is not your spouse’s fault. It is something that has happened to you, and has happened to many women before you and many women after you.

     I have actually struggled with this same question for many years. I became pregnant one time in our 6 + year journey, only to lose the baby 10 weeks later. We now have a beautiful four year son through the gift of an open adoption. Do I still question why I wasn’t able to carry a child? Of course I do. Do I wonder what if I would someday become pregnant? Of course I do.  But I know that the way I became a mother was exactly the way I was supposed to become a mother, through adoption.

    Is adoption the answer for everyone? No. Will it take away your fears? No. Will it take away the guilt? No. Will it make you less of a person? No. But it is one of the most beautiful things I have ever experienced in my life.

    I highly suggest talking to someone if you haven’t already. If you are struggling with infertility, this is a great site to check out, fertility.org. If you want more information about adoption, check this site out, adoptionbenefits.com.

    May you always know, you are never alone.






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