How can I cope with waiting to be matched?

How can I cope with waiting to be matched?

Best Answers

  • Waiting to be matched can be the most excruciating part of the adoption process. Up until this point, the process has been a lot of “hurry up.” You have jumped through every hoop thrown at you, signed every piece of paper put in front of you, answered every embarrassing question known to mankind, and lovingly put together an attractive profile book. Because the first part of the process was so fast-paced, the waiting part can seem terminally long.

    Coping with the indefinite time-frame of a match can be frustrating. We waited for 2 years before God brought us our 1st son. Prior to that, we had a disrupted adoption. After we lost the first adoption, the next two months were so dark as I fell into depression. I had to will myself to focus on the one thing that I would never change, even though times looked dark - the fact that God is good. He is always good. He cannot change. Having something positive to focus on was life-saving for me.

    Something else I did was make blankets for newborn babies. While I wasn’t brave enough to go to baby showers, I found that sewing little blankets and giving them to the mommas and the babies helped me to be joyful in all seasons. My longing for a child of my own was enormous, but getting outside of myself and focusing on the joy in others’ lives was fulfilling.

    Surround yourself with people who are waiting to be matched or who have been through the adoption process. Find someone to talk with to help you process your emotions during the wait. The value of shared experiences is priceless. Plus, when you do finally bring a child home, there will be more people to celebrate with you and love on that baby.

  • Answer ✓

    Oh, how I know your pain of waiting to be matched. We waited six years to be matched with our son’s birth mom. I will start off my saying that he was worth the wait. I know that sounds cliché and I had someone tell me that while we were waiting to be matched and I my reaction wasn’t a positive one! But looking back and knowing what we have now, I can honestly say he was worth the wait.

    For us, especially for me, it helped if I talked to people who had been through adoption. We have several family members and friends that have adoptive children and have been through the process. It was nice to hear their stories and what they did while waiting to be matched. For some reason just hearing their success stories brought me hope and eased the pain of waiting.

    Also once we started to live our lives again and not let the fact that we were adopting and didn’t want to miss “the call” we were matched with our son’s birth mom shortly after that. We had put so much of our life on “hold” while waiting to be matched that we didn’t travel as much as we use to. We no longer “splurged” on fancy dinners or fun nights out on the town. After several years of living that way, we made the hard realization that it will happen when it is supposed to happen and we have no control over it. And once that happened, we became a family of three.

    I also took up running. It was the only thing I had control over. We didn’t have control over how long we would wait. We didn’t have control of getting pregnant on our own. We didn’t have control of our jobs. But when I ran, I had control over how far I ran, how hard I ran, when I ran, etc. It was very therapeutic and healing for me. It was also good for my health! And now, our son has already ran two ¼ mile races and he is only three and a half!!!

    I wish you the best of luck and know the process is hard and seems endless at times. But your time will come!

    Need some extra reading and information on adoption, check out these links:
    Here and here.

  • Answer ✓
    I agree with everything said above wholeheartedly. 

    From a birth mother perspective, your baby will find you when he or she is meant to. I can't tell you exactly what drew my heart toward the couple that I chose, other than that it was their time. They are wonderful people and I adore them. 

    Here is a wonderful article that addresses this question very thoroughly. 
  • edited July 16 Answer ✓

    Hi Dee! 

    Waiting to be matched was one of the hardest seasons of my life. Here are a few things that worked for me: 

    • Journaling. The first time that we thought we may adopt a baby, I got a journal and wrote down everything. Everything I knew about the situation, how I was feeling, etc. While it started off as a way to chronicle the story, I noticed that I started using it as a place to vent. Now, I've written about everything from babies, to my husband's job change, to moving, to what I am learning, and things I am praying for. If you are like me, things can get caught up swirling around in your mind. Writing those down allowed me to get it out of my mind and not obsess over my thoughts. 
    • Celebrate. People have asked if it was hard for me when my friends had babies...going to the baby showers, taking them a meal, buying cute gifts, etc. It was hard at times, but I learned pretty early on that I could either celebrate and be happy or be jealous and bitter. I chose to celebrate and love my friends and their babies, and I can honestly say that I loved baby showers and seeing new babies.
    • Read. One thing that helped me feel productive was educating myself about adoption and bringing home a baby. I wanted to be as ready mentally and emotionally as I could be.
    • Do fun stuff!!! There are so many things that we could do then that we can't do now My husband and I took so many fun trips. We could stay out as late, go out to eat, get a drink, take our dog on an adventure after work, you get the idea. Embrace the season. 
    We struggled with infertility for 5 years before pursuing adoption. After starting with an agency, we waited about 8 months before we were chosen by our daughters first Mom.
  • Answer ✓
    I am constantly amazed at the strength of waiting prospective adoptive parents. The wait to be matched can be excruciating as other posters have said. The the wait for a baby to arrive can also be excruciating and then you have the wait for finalization. It's just one huge waiting game and all of it just seems incredibly unfair. Coping with that wait can sometimes seem  impossible. 

    The only real thing that you can do in order to cope with the wait is to make sure that you are preparing. There is a phrase that states "prepare the fields for rain." Essentially at the end of this you will be a parent. You will have a child. That's is the hope of every prospective adoptive parent. With this, prepare for the child. This goes above and beyond much of the preparation regarding getting a room ready and getting things like toys and diapers and bottles. You really need to prepare yourself.

     A lot of times parents are not prepared for a child. Maybe there is an unplanned pregnancy or they just feel not ready. People often spend time just getting ready to house a child rather than readying themselves to be a parent. You are ready so much so that you have thought this out and have this incredible time to wait. Don't take that time for granted. You have time to ready yourself mentally, physically, and spiritually. Take this time to be with your other loved ones including your spouse or significant other if applicable. Much of your life will revolve around your child once the child is here. Cherish this time. 

    If you have some physical issues to deal with or health issues that could be better, take the time to try to be your best self for your child. It's so easy to not have time after a child comes into the world. Also, talk with your spouse or significant other about what raising a child together will look like. Discuss discipline and religion and everything that you would need to talk about. Take this opportunity to prepare your fields and be your best self for a child.

    Click here for a great interview with prospective adoptive mom detailing her perspective on the wait to be matched!
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